“Lily do you understand?”
“Does this mean I can wear makeup now?”
This is what my six years old self said when I found out that my father had passed away in his sleep.
It wasn’t until much later until I fully understood that my daddy was not coming back.
After my daddy passed I would have these vivid dreams that he was still alive, that he was just taking a lot more time coming home from his business trip. I would find myself running downstairs to the kitchen yelling “DADDY’S HOME” just to find my dog laying on his bed and no one else. I once told my mom “But daddy still could be alive” after watching The Littlest Princess. When my mom started dating the man that I now call “my dad” is when I knew that daddy was gone.
I’m writing this because I want you to know I’m not stranger to death. In fact out of my 20 years of life I’ve been to more funerals than I have weddings. Now I’m not writing this for pity or even for people to say “Wow look at how strong she is”. I’m writing this because I want you to know you’re not alone in your pain.
As I said death is no stranger, and this past year keeps reminding me of that.
I’m not okay.
I want to lay in bed for hours and ask the most famous question of all “Why?”
Why in there death?
Why is there hurt?
Why do I still love people when all they do is leave?
I have these questions EVERYDAY, and I get the same answers that always seem to give me peace.
There is death because there is sin.
There is hurt because there is sin.
You love others because I first loved you.
Two of my favorite verses are
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds” James 1:2
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
Throughout my life God has whispered to me “Choose Joy”.
SO MUCH EASIER SAID THEN DONE!! There are times when I can’t find joy, when it feels like this world is too much, but then I’m reminded that the Lord comforts me when I cannot move due to the pain, and in this I find joy.
When I was in India I went to a leprosy colony. The people living in the colony knew that they would not live long. The world had told them that they are worthless and that they were the outcasts, yet they were the most joyful people I have ever met. They knew that the Lord loved them and that was enough for them. They call to him and he comforts them.
My favorite song is the hymn It Is Well With My Soul
The hymnist Horatio Spafford lost everything he had in the 1871 Great Chicago Fire. His children drowned in a shipwreck on their way to Europe. He experienced loss after loss, but he still found comfort in Jesus and wrote this hymn. He has such an outstanding story of God’s joy and comfort that I encourage you to look up.
At this moment in time my heart aches for my own personal grief and for the pain in this world. We as humans can do nothing on our own. We have to come to a point where we can no longer rely on our own strength, because this world gives us things we cannot handle. We have to throw pride aside and realize we are NOT okay, we are NOT fine, and we WON’T just get over it. Once we do that and ask the Lord for help and comfort he will provide just that.
He will help us through the hard times.
Through the times when we ask “Why”.
Through the trials we can’t handle.
I leave you with this
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.